Letting Go

I remember that day as if it were yesterday.  It was Monday afternoon when I got the call and was given the news.  My mom had stage 4 colorectal cancer.  What? I thought.  “No,” I screamed, as tears ran down my face and I sobbed uncontrollably.  “Please God,” I begged, “don’t take her away from me.”  “She’s too young to die.”  My heart raced.  There must be some mistake, I thought. “Please God,” I begged, “I need my mom.”  “I want her to see my girls graduate, and get married.”   “There’s so much I want to do with her.”  My heart was broken,  I was completely devastated.  I had to see her.


I remember the first time I saw her after I had received the news.  As I walked into her hospital room and saw her, all I could do was cry.  She smiled and hugged me and said, “Now don’t cry, we’re going to beat this.”  Here she was trying to comfort me and be the strong one, like always, but it did not disguise the look of fear she had in her eyes.  I said, “I don’t want you to die.  I’m not ready.”


Every day I prayed and begged God for a miracle and to please heal her and not take her.  I could not imagine my life without her.   I also began to pray for peace for my mom and asked God to make her not be scared.  And as the weeks went on, I witnessed God answering my prayers, as my mom was facing her battle head on with a sense of peace and without the fear she once had.


One day, as I walked into the hospital to visit her, an unknown lady whom I had never met, came to me and said, “Your mom is ready.”   “Ready,”  I thought.  “Ready for what?  Because I am not ready.”  Little did I know that just a couple days later, 6 weeks exactly from the day she was diagnosed, God would call my mom home.


My life was in shambles.  It would take years for me to pull myself together and heal my broken heart.  Day after day, I went through the motions, but withdrew from all relationships, including with my husband and children.  I returned to school to further my degree, and graduated at the top of my class.  I stayed as busy as I could and I looked like I had it all together from people looking on from the outside.  But in reality, on the inside I was falling apart.  I distanced myself from everyone, even those whom I loved dearly.  Every day I would want to call mom, and just talk.  How would I ever get through this?  It’s not fair, I thought.  How could God take her away from me?  Why?  I kept asking.


Then my mind began to wander.  What if my mom didn’t go to heaven?  You see, we never really talked about this.  I knew she believed in Jesus, but life had gotten in the way and she was no longer in church.  Again my mind drifted back, who was that lady?   I found out that every day this lady, whom nobody knew, would come to my mom’s room and pray with her.  My mom loved it when she came.  But who was she?  It is strange to me now but at the time, none of us even asked who she was.


A few months later, after mom’s death, I went back to the hospital and tried to find this lady.  I asked around, and not one person from the hospital knew her or her name, and said they hadn’t seen her.  How odd I thought?


Again, I thought back to her comment she said to me.  So what was my mom ready for?  You see, I truly believe with all my heart that this lady was an angel sent from God, and now I know what this lady was telling me, when she said those words to me.  She had prayed with my mom, and she knew my mom’s final destination.  She was making sure that I also knew.  You see, God knew what I would need to hear for me to have peace and He sent her.


Over 11 years have passed since mom left us, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her dearly.  Depression took so many years of my life when my girls were still at home.  Oh, how wish I could get those years back.  But the truth is, we all probably wish we could turn back the hands of time, but we can’t.  We can never go back.  I felt so alone, for so many years, although I was here with my husband and children.  Yet even when I thought I was alone, I know without a doubt my God was always there with me.  His Word tells me this.


Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God is with you.  He will not fail or forsake you.  1Chronicles 28:20 NLT


I have to remember that even when I am down and feel discouraged, His Promises to me.  My God is always there; He is faithful even when we are unfaithful, and He never changes.  His love never fails, because God is Love and His Word tells us that nothing can separate us from His love.


And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  Romans 8:38 NLT



I know one day I will see my mom again and all my tears will be wiped away.  For now, I will cling to the promises of God, and trust Him to carry my through.


For I hold you by your right hand, I, the Lord your God.  And I say to you, Don’t be afraid.  I am here to help you.  Isaiah 41:13 NLT


My prayer is that anyone that is struggling with depression, that you find peace in God’s promises and His Word.


May God’s blessings be upon you,



Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.